A Happy Birthday for Me!

24 years in this world......


Thanking the Lord for another period in my life......


A new round of lessons to be learned.....


Challenges to be faced.....


Feelings to confront.........


Hoping for a wonderful change this time...


A Happy Birthday to Me.....!

Maybes and Lamentations about You....

Got to contemplate on the beach...hanging my legs out on the port ala Dawson's Creek style. I found myself waiting...waiting for something or someone I know will never happen or come... I tried my very best to remember if if I had blurted something (aloud) that I should've not spoken out....Nothing...my mind was mostly blank....I found myself wanting to cry....cry because I am at this situation again where I really could not decide how to feel or act when it comes to the matters of the heart...I was just sitting there with the summer sun on my back, thinking how long can I fight this feeling....asking God in a silent prayer why am I feeling this way over a person who doesn't even give a scat on how I feel. As I am writing this entry, I soon discovered that I have a lot of things that I want to tell you, yes, you! How you make me smile with your corny lines, how you can impress me with your intelligence, made me mad because of your argumentative approach, amused me with your feeble attempt to be nice, a lot more that I've been keeping in the deepest crevices of my heart that I longed to say but the fear of rejection, heartbreak and pride keeps me from doing so. Maybe I'll get to say it someday...Maybe not...But now I just allowed myself the painful indulgence of writing out a part of what you are making me feel everyday... but still I am a coward that's why I'm still going to hold back...hold back as long as I can....
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Right now, things between us has suddely turned bleak....it seems that everything just disappeared in an instant. You used to share a piece of yourself before, maybe an opinion, or a passing thought, something that you found interesting...but now, I could feel a wall ....few words are now being exchanged between us, most of the time we tend to ignore each other...not that I do like that, but everytime I try to talk to you, you seem to respond with one liners that clearly states that I would not expect a decent conversation with you. As I am typing this, I feel a rush of great sadness and hurt that I really want to go to the bathroom and cry my heart out. What happend? What happend to all the closeness that we had? Or maybe I thought we had. maybe it's all just my imagination that you might consider me at least a bit special compared to everyone else we know.... or that you might consider me at least as a close friend... The funny thing is that I was hoping to make our last week fun and full of laughter and talks but it's so uncanny that this is turning out one of the worst weeks that we had together. This might be a sign that we really are not meant to be.....

Sigh!