And I thought the weekend will never come!

Oh yes.. and it was such a long week for me! Working for 6 days straight with only a day's rest can certainly seem like you've been coming to and from the office over and over again - like a melancholic routine! Gray skies ahead as the metro was burdened with unpredictable heavy rain showers and wind - a deadly combination as I hear people in a coughing and sneezing fit. Flu season everyone!

As I look back and remember the memories of the past week, it seems that I was trying to recall at least 2 weeks worth of memories. Now, let's see..

• I learned that my Uncle (my mom's sister's husband) who I will name as Uncle Piding was confined in the ICU via a Facebook post from my nephew. (ah, the power of the social networking!)
• Frenzy at work trying to cope up with sick staff members, the heavy call volume, motivating staff members while finishing up their appraisals, monitoring and coaching and dealing with deadlines and mild annoyance from some of the co-workers
• More frenzy from work..
• Uncle Piding's health turned for the worst. Mom called while I was on my way to work - Uncle was near his deathbed, texted my cousin and learned that he was on a coma. made arrangements with him to drop by the hospital after my monitoring schedule. received text from my cousin a few hours later that he already passed away. ;( Was in shock and found myself having a hard time focusing at work.
• Had a hard time sleeping. Bothered by something.
• Went to my Uncle's wake - made possible by swapping for a late schedule. saw my Ate Ethel first - after more than 15 years, and hugged her. Hugged my Kuya Roy and greeted my other cousins. Got teary eyed and was a bit conscious that my tears will fall down so I'm mighty glad that I saw my cousin's girlfriend and got into a conversation with her to distract me from crying. Paid my respects by taking a glimpse of his remains. He looked peaceful at least. Not really emancipated. His long thumbnail still untrimmed. Had to leave 20 minutes after getting there for work. Sigh! It's going to be a long cab ride to work..
• Finished Friday's shift with a relief! Was happy to learn that my dearest friend from work - Carly has passed her interview with a prospective new employer and is just waiting for her job offer. Was a bit jealous at first, but hey, I'm still happy 'coz she has the better work ethics between the 2 of us (even though I have the experience). I know she will be a good fit for the manager post! :) Bonded, laughed and whined about the shittiness at work - our fave past time plus planned her new image for her new work over brunch.
• Went home late (late for me is like 4 hours past my end shift time which was 6:30PM ET that day. I went home around 11pm ET) and slept like a log for 16 hours hours after texting Mr. A. about my day. Woke up and whoa - it's start of a new week again and it's still raining! Another wet week ahead? Happy Sunday!
  
  
  

With the passing of Uncle Piding, I want to honor him by giving thanks for all the help that he has given - though I was not really that close to him, He was a steady solid character in my life - someone that I'm used to seeing and knowing that he should always be there during special occasions and family gatherings. I will certainly miss your brooding presence and mischievous old Uncle quips. I do pray that your soul will find eternal peace with our Creator. To the Tolentino Family, my sincerest condolences.

My 2008 in Calendar Moments: The 2nd Half of the Year

Alrighty.. so here's part 2 of my year 2008 Calendar Moments based on how I remembered those memories.. I know this recollection is a bit too late, I actually had this composed a long time ago.. couldn't find the time to post it really.. so here goes:



July- Spent the day in Jayson’s pad with inkie and luvkosileah with Mr. A in tow. Saw some snippets of my very first rompy video. Getting bored and self pitying over my orphaned status at work. Had an argument over a laptop which led me to slam down the phone but ended up seeing a back to back movie, a dinner charged to a credit card and being vulnerable by opening up to things until the wee hours of the morning over affordable iced coffees that lead me to understand him better .
Celebrated Cornkernel’s birthday by going to Rockwell, local stargazing, and watching The Dark Knight – a movie which we sat through the entire 2 hour run despite the nagging calls of nature.



August – got hooked into Twilight. Was reading an online copy of it while chatting with Mr. A via ym not knowing that a few hours after wards, I will get one of the most devastating phone calls of my life. I remember my mom waking me up, panic in her voice saying that someone from SOCO was on the phone about a certain Rue Ann.
My mom was already scared since she knows that SOCO is synonymous with bad news. I brushed the idea off and walked over the phone thinking that Jaggy might just be stranded somewhere. I was wrong. Jaggy was found murdered somewhere in a place I’ve never heard of and I was the first one to know about it. With that triggered the series of events that until now,are still vivid in my mind. . I remember speaking with the officer on the other line asking him if this was a scam or a joke. I remember Inkie calling me on my cellphone right after putting the phone down, like it was on queue of a next act telling me that Jaggy’s workmates are texting her because Jaggy didn’t show up for work. I remember calling Mr. A about it and suddenly crying and asking him to accompany me since my mom doesn’t want me to go to the police station alone. I remember calling Eryll about it and thinking how could I explain the reason why I needed her help in getting in touch with her relatives in far away Gen San. The travel to the ayala mrt station, crying along the way. Was thinking if all of it was just a bad dream. Also remembered if we should break the news to Katqt since it dawned to me that it was her birthday on that same day too. Well, we won’t certainly forget her birthday anymore. Saw the purpose of the freedom in my work schedule during that time since I was able to help out with the things that needs to be fixed during that tragedy. Maybe that’s the real reason why I remained a floating employee. All of us had sacrficed something during this moment: Family, Time, work, career opportunities. Made me appreciate life and the people around me even more. Was sleepless during the entire wake. Got into a row with a company lawyer and a wannabe manager. More tears and a few fears during the aftermath. We will certainly miss her forever.
Back to work, got into trouble with Mark of Helpdesk involving my pc files getting into a restricted account’s pc. Ended up sending apology emails to Mr. A’s supervisor and one of the TM’s in my former account. Lost a few more sleep over that too since I was worried that Mr. A would get a warning for that. Which luckily, he didn’t.


September - Still the highest paid tambay with night differential to boot.
Celebrated the monumental 5 year mark in PS where I finally got
my Kenneth Cole watch.
Getting bored but still entertained with my odesk job and my seatmate, trainer Socki. There’s still Mr. A ofcourse, who always bombards me with text messages and calls as to where the heck am I at past 11pm. Sinisterbucks really did a small favor for me which I will be forever thankful for. Mr. A flew to Singapore , leaving me to catch up on my sleep most of the time during shift. This was also the month where I last talked to my sister after a mix up with her in-laws. Celebrated Jaggy’s 40 days by rounding up the the rest of the Troopers for mass and get together where everyone wore green. Received a Notice to Explain letter from HR for allegedly not showing up for an account interview. Thank goodness for that email, it saved my behind! Winnie’s Gelo was baptized and attended cool_amy’s babyshower. Also had a glee time in watching Kc and Richard’s For the First Time with CarmTeng who we rarely saw due to her busy, busy schedule.








October – Still diddly daddlying over my idle time. Thinking that I should be given an award for the employee who’s been floating for the longest time (then realized that someone has already beaten me to it. Darn!). My online job was suspended during this time. Probably due to the recession that the US was having. Ideas of working abroad already fleeting in my mind. Had plans of resigning by December. Celebrated Mr. A’s birthday, along with Sinisterbucks’. Cool_amy also gave birth to her daughter, Andie. Most of the Troopers were planning a Boracay trip in which I really didn’t have any plans of going but due to the generous funding of Cornkernel for my one way ticket, I gave in. This was also the month where my beloved K800i was lost in a bus ride home. Grieved for it for one week by crying. Was robbed while sleeping in the sleeproom on the same week. Was thinking that I’m probably the most jinxed person in earth that time and that God must be punishing me for my sins. Thanking Mr. A in those times that he was convincing me I was not and for cheering me in his own sweet but bullish way. Lent me Copper for the meantime (his 8210.. oldie but reliable phone) . Was a bit worried of being laid off after news flew around that all floating employees will be given the axe if still accountless by Nov. 1. Also thought that it would be convenient on my part since I will probably get a large sum of separation benefits that would answer all my money problems. Was already computing how much I’ll be getting when I got a call from HR saying that I already have an account – darn! Want to thank lovekosileah and Jayson for all the favors that they did for me during this month. This was also the month where the infamous I have a friend poem of mine was aired in a birthday special that Astrobabe made for Sinisterbucks. Hayz!

November- went on a 4 day trip to Boracay. Forgot my pocket money and ended up having Mr. A covering for me for the rest of the trip. Had a bit of a misunderstanding with him along the way. It was also during this trip that he learned that his brother passed the Chem Eng boards and this lead him to his plan of pursuing his PT career by taking up the boards next year. Told me that he wouldn’t be resigning in December after all which lead me to think, ‘ Hey, I guess I’ll be on my own.. but what the heck, I would rather know that you took the damn exams and will learn that you had aced it by searching for your name on the internet because I’m already half way across the world. ‘ It was a bit of an issue for me for several weeks and I really don’t know why. Went back to morning shift for Client Specifics training for RD. Met new people, one of them was my seatmate for the entire training course, gulliver7890 of HR, who made me laugh with his side comments along with the thought that what a waste he was gay. Saw myself five years ago thru the newly grad kids who were the rest of my classmates in Training. Spent the extra hour after class everyday, composing my detailed email replies for Mr. A about the things that I want to share to him for that day. Since we had completely different work schedules , the only time we get to see each other then was when he gets off from work, he would pass by our training room to wave goodbye to me. Watched a concert of a guy who was an AI runner up with Sinisterbucks at Glorieta where I was a bit irritated at first since we were standing the whole time but ended up enjoying it anyway because we were situated near the production box and I got to see how they operated the sound effects and all. Also had a night of guy talk with him, no alcohol involved. Cool_ Amy’s Andie was baptized and we all headed out to watch Twilight while having a phone conference with CarmTeng where everyone greeted her an advance happy birthday.

December- Started my return as a supervisor on the floor. My days of bumming around were over. Back to GY shift again. Had a bit of a time adjusting since I have to fend off for myself for a while.. but thanks to some helpful colleagues, I’m now managing ok . Had a problem though with getting to know my direct reports. Seems that people around don’t know each other that well. Started the series of Christmas shopping days where me and Mr. A would immerse ourselves in staying past our bedtime to shop for gifts. Usually had like 3 hours of sleep during these days. Had the annual Trooper Christmas Party celebration where we had a lunch and movie gimmick just like the old days. Watched a movie starring Keanu Reeves where I soundly slept through it and I actually woke up after the movie ended.. Darn! Attended the Aegis PS Christmas Party.. Same old same old there.. We didn't get to win anything..again! Saw an old highschool friend of mine where we had a quick exchange of where is who and who is doing what while he accompanied me while I finish off my last minute Christmas shopping. Spent Christmas eve at work. Got a beautiful silver bracelet and a mini lion stuffed toy on top from Mr. A. Very generous gift! Supported the local movie industry by watching Ang Tanging Ina ninyong Lahat.

Saw my sister again after going AWOL for 3 months.
She bought along Salem, who stayed with us for several days. Dad was also at home and there was an instance where we were complete as a family again.
Spent New Year's Eve at work. Didn't get to see any fireworks.. and, I was in a sup call when the clock struck twelve! Great! So does that mean I'll be having these sup calls all year round??! Happy New Year to Everyone! Mr. A and I went to church to say thanks and say a lil prayer for Jaggy's birthday.. had our very first new year's lunch where I got to get a glimpse of Dexter's final episode via Alliepod.. I wouldn't go and describe the rest of the details,since 2009 has already began.. and 2008 was just like last night's shift.




So there we go folks.. My 2008, as far I can remember it. It's been a whirlwind of a year and one important thing that I have learned from 2008: Life is short.. the people around you may not be the same people who you'll be with tomorrow, things can change in a blink of an eye.. so you must make every second worth it. I know it's a cliche, but I guess, it wouldn't make such an impact if you haven't had anything to relate it to. I had lots last year.. and I learned it the hard way, and with this, I would like to say thank you to the people who have helped me in surviving it. By opening my eyes to new views and perspectives, and by adding more reasons for me to be thankful everyday. Though, I'm fairly worried what 2009 may bring, I know that I still have to brave each passing day as the new year progresses.. And with the Latin saying, Carpe Diem.. I end this recollection of my 2008 memories and will hope everyone will always live their lives to its fullest.

Sad to Say Goodbye

"Tin, nagsumbit na ako.. last week ko na nga to eh.." "Ows?"
"Oo nga.."
"Ayyy..." (Hug!)


That was what transpired when Keith told me one last Saturday that he already passed his resignation and this was going to be his last week. It never occured to me the gravity of his decision it until now, when I realized that I won't be able to see much of him anymore. Yeah, I know that this is inevitable, that we really can't expect that we'll be staying in PS forever, and that he might have better opportunities outside, but it's quite different to see someone who's close to you go, and you know that he's not going to be there all the time anymore whenever you need him.

Keith was may batchmate from New Hire, all the way to Experian.. I remember the first time I met him when he joined our noisy ,little group ( DuaNE, eD aND mE) on our first day for lunch and Duane joked about his age. Hehehe...but we then became good friends when we were already full pledged agents for Experian. I know him as sort of a law abiding citizen ( I remember when he refused to cross the intersection of SM Dept Store to Ace Hardware if he was not in the pedestrian lane..with a dash of perv in his blood (my sister's wet panties anyone?) =)

Hmm.. the best times I probably remember Keith are for those times when he cheers me up whenever I'm down in the dumps..Even if he can be the crankiest person ever..

Like that time when I cried when I was an agent when a supervisor reprimanded me for taking my break without asking permission.. and I went down to the 30th floor and I was so upset, I cried. He treated me to french fries At McDonalds afterwards.

and there was this time when I was so upset because I discovered something heartbreaking about my so called lovelife that really messed up the illusion.. he just kept me company, and we just went to Starbucks and talked to me about it..

and of course the time when he brought me flowers for my birthday!

The times when he would visit me at JG..

and of course, he was the one I bug whenever Alex is not around.. and now Saturdays will be so lonely now since Alex will be rarely around now.. (due to Tennis matches,his budget, and his upcoming review for his board exams)

At our Bible Study today, someone said, 'You'll never know the value of someone, until they're gone.." I suddenly realized how valuable my dearest friend really is.. and now,I feel like crying.. I will certainly miss him terribly..

..and now another one expressed his sentiments of going away.. for good.. Great! Saving the worst for last!

Just don't want you to go

I'm sorry if I said 'bahala nga kayo"... I only said that because I was a bit upset that you suddenly submitted your letter, like you just did it for the sake of getting it over and done with. I just don't know how to react..what to do or what to say but be upset and be mad. We were both so quiet all throughout the ride, each of us both lost in our own thoughts. I will never knew what was going on your mind but I know mine is all about my life after you're gone, silently making a list of the reasons why I am being upset just because you're going to resign. So far, here's what I have thought of:

~I don't want you to go yet because I don't have someone to go home with every morning. The way home will be less interesting (and believe me, it is!)
~I don't want you to go because going to work every night won't be that exciting anymore because you won't be around (yeah, even if we just see each other in the morning, the thought of knowing you're just 2 floors below me is sort of comforting for some reason)
~I don't want you to go because I won't have anyone to watch my back, not just against the backbiting and unfairness in my account, but against everything else.
~I don't want you to go because Saturdays will be so lonely without you, hanging out with me.
~I don't want you to go because I won't have anyone to ask to comfortably whenever I need help with anything (especially with the MS application stuff!)

~I don't want you to go because you're the one who has become the closest to me, my confidante and probably my bestfriend right now.(yeah even if half the time we just trade jokes,and there are times when you can be a bit self-centered!)

~I don't want you to go because I just realized that you may be worth more to me than I could have thought of...and the thought of losing you just made me realize that...

~I don't want you to go because I just don't want to... period. Why? I don't know. I just don't know.

La na nga si Jaggy,sumunod ka pa agad...sana isa isa lang ang attrition di ba? =(

To be continued because writer is too much upset for still unknown reasons....

The Time to Tell

me and Polgosa during happier times
Originally uploaded by mramos.

Let me take the time out to give a tribute to my cat of more than 10 years who passed away 2 weeks ago..To Polgosa, my very sociable and darling cat, I know your'e at kitty heaven right now..may you rest in peace! It's a shame though that you couldn't wait until I get married or maybe just have a new guy to entertain, since you're so good at it!)

Let me take the time out as well to announce that come July 16, I'm a Supervisor (Trainee) for 3 mos now... how time just flew by and I could not believe how I survived those sleepless (most of the time) days and nights.... Learned a lot and discovered a lot of things within myself... also discovered that a Supervisor is not just a Supervisor, but a million other roles as well....

Let me take the time out as well to tell you that I have developed a crush on someone (and nope it's not HIM), and it seems to grow more everyday, while my relationship with the obvious seems to fade for the reason I don't know why... (is it me, is it you, or is it the classic saying familiarity breeds contempt?)

Let me take the time out as well to tell you that I just confirmed that crush is currently in a relationship right now (awww..disappointed)..and I actually searched his profile in friendster).. Sigh!

Let me take the time out to tell you that I am really considering (and really) to distance myself from HIM, since I am oh so tired of the guessing game (which with the clues I am getting, wala naman siguro talaga. I'm a bit upset with him right now because I did not like the way he replied at the chatpad last night when I commented why it takes so much time before he ca answer my question, which is simply,

pwede ba sumabay sa lunch mo?

..which he answered,

sorry, rep lang ako...kaya may calls, q'in kami..sorry

and I was like, where did that come from? What's with the mean streak? What happend to the If they treat you badly there, you know where to find me... Maybe, he's just having a bad day since he also got into a row with one of his friends in retention, who he favors more nowadays..

Let me take the time out to tell you that I almost submitted my resignation letter (I know, I know, this is also one thing that never seems to materialize) because of my so called Principles..Wow, I feel so righteous! I am ready to give up my current stature just because I can't take the whitewash and politics in our account. My mom just talked me out of it and the thought that my friends are there (including the one who I am supposed to look for anytime Im i trouble) to keep me sane and to keep my feet planted firmly in the ground, until I become regularized!

Let me take the time out to tell you that I'll be having weekends off again (10pm-7am) Whoopee! I am supposed to have 3 consecutive rest days but since I have tons of paperwork to do (feedback and all), I have to go towork tonight!

Let me take the time out to tell you that I should be resting right now because I am so sleepy and I still have to go to work tonight....Till next time!

Good day folks!

Moving Forward

....Moving Forward...

Starbucks...somewhere between 1 in the afternoon, Saturday

"sasabihin ko na sa'yo...mag susubmit na ako ng resignation next week..."

"ok"(Speechless)

In front of the PC.... somewhere between 7 in the evening, Saturday

I'm still speechless...wanted to say a lot but can't....funny..you'll be going away and still I can't bring myself to say what's inside me to save my life (or maybe to make you stay, oh I forgot, "wala naman akong inspirasyon" ouch!)

Well, I did get to let you know a small part of what I wanted to say...through YM... I thought that it somehow changed your mind... somehow..but I guess not when again you brought it up... I said nothing..what do you expect? I can't even comment..I could just make a face. I really can't bear the thought that the very person who I look forward seeing everyday, to be with at the end of the day.. and I know who will be waiting for me too will no longer be there...and I'll be alone..But I can't be selfish..I know that somehow you might find what you'll be looking for in those greener pastures that you've been pointing out... "Wala naman mag babago eh..di na nga lang kayo makakatambay sa station ko." "False hope...parang kang si Jimbo. Don't give out false hopes"

Probably I'm foolish to think that this will somehow last forever or I'll be the one to go so I won't be the one who'll be left behind between the two of us (napromote pa kasi ako eh!).. or we'll be leaving at the same time... but reality check...NO! It's hard..but I have to accept the changes...


Moving Forward..

Straight from Cebu...

I'm writing this entry at a net cafe from SM Cebu.. Yup, you read it right..I'm at Cebu right now with the Troopers, this is the last leg of our 4 day vacation trip.

Drats! I feel like crying...I've discovered (or accidently saw) something that probably would change how I view and act any possibilities that might happen between the two of us.. =(

So far, I had fun visiting the tourist spots in Bohol... I will post the pictures probabaly once I've uploaded them.

But now, I have to contemplate the future of a non-existent lovelife.. Maybe it's better to be consumed with my work right now in order to numb the pain.

In a Sad State

I am bit depressed and torn right now.. How come the person who I expected to be right there for me was actually the one who let me down??

I'm getting a bit tired and sad right now of all the things that have been happening in my life right now.. I'm getting a bit lost. Right now, what I would like is something that is a sure thing for a change... not something that I would always second guess or figure out.

I feel that some people have taken me granted and I don't really want to feel that I am being unappreciated anymore.

Drama Queen

I have not updated my blog for a while... A lot of things happend in a span of 2 or (is it already 3?) weeks.
Not so good things. Crying and moping seems a theme for me during those times and I'm still at awe how my life became all topsy-turvy all of a sudden...

I really want to of course apologize to my office friends who I somehow let down at the last gimmick that was supposed to cheer me up. I really wanted to go but then circumstances prevented me from doing so. Even though I already apologized, I feel things are not really the same anymore. Especially with Kaka...

Somehow, he is the only one who seem to be so mad at me after that. I confronted him about that matter the other day, and I feel that I was splashed with icy water on my face with what he said...

"Naiinis ako sa'yo, pag nakikita ko si Alex, kahit wala siyang kasalanan, naiinis na rin ako sa kanya... lalo na pag nakita ko na kayong tatlo nina Camit, lalo lang ako naiinis!"

"Wala siyang gusto sa yo!"

"Pwede pa naman tayo magusap pero hindi na katulad ng dati."


Ouch!

First of all,I came to discuss and to make ammends with what happened between the two of us, not to ask for his opinion with whatever it is going on with me and Alex. But Kaka really had to bring that up.

Kaka is one of the few people who I can really talk to and who listens. He is such a sweet friend and even spent 200 bucks to buy me flowers. Much as I want to patch things out with him, I already did my part. If he really can't find it in his heart to let bygones be bygones, then I guess I have to leave it to time to heal things between us.

I really don't wish to elaborate about the statements Kaka blurted out. Especially why he blurted those out. A lot of people keep egging me that I was being replaced...or whatever...! It is really starting to be a bit annoying. It means that I was being compared to the other girl. Haughty as I may seem to be, but I really have to say... We are not in the same level! Anyhoo, it's Tian's life. It's not that we have a thing going on between us. We're just friends.
I just don't care anymore.

I was so close at submitting my resignation letter because of all those things. I just feel that there is really no reason to stay anymore. It's bound to happen anyway right? Better to be the first one to go. I have a lot of job offers actually, but again, circumstances prevented me from doing so.

I am thankful that there are still a few people at work who are still here for me no matter how indiyanera I am. Rod, who seems to be my only friend amongst the group and who never seems to get tired of hearing my sob stories. Carmela, of course. To my supfriend, Kit. I will be putting off my resignation for the meantime for you. And.... Alex...even if he's still annoying me because of his endless pangiinis at times and clueless as he is, the reason why this rift started, still puts up with my negative aura, is still there waiting for 3 hours until my shift ends. Maybe I have to tell him not to wait for me anymore. He does not get enough sleep because he waits for me everyday, and sometimes gets home around 1pm. I really appreciate what he's doing but still I don't know why he does that. 3 hours is 3 hours. I'm scared to ask of course. I guess it will be one of those things that I will never get to know. At least until I get the guts to ask him. I just really wish that he can be a bit nicer though.



So much drama! It really makes me want to go to church.

Rain

I hear laughter in the rain...walking hand in hand with the one I love....

Rain.....

It's rainy season again...time to bring out the jackets and umbrellas....goodbye to summer sunshine and the blistering heat... I really hate rainy days before...imagine, going to school, trying to keep yourself dry while you shift from one jeep to another...opening your wet umbrella again and again, dealing with the lack of transportation which somehow is always related with the sudden downpour... plus, the weather is all gloomy and all gimmicks are postponed!To top it all off, flooded streets, wet shoes (and the icky feeling inside), bad hairday, plus you're prone to sickness and laziness!

A sudden change some years back and I am now beginning to like the rain, even loving it....I really relish the idea of the cold weather... a welcome change from the heat of last summer. I love the sound of raindrops drumming against the rooftops. Sleeping is more relaxing as well. (I am now longing for my bed now!). Jaggy has pointed out one important reason to enjoy the rain... You got to admit that Rain is Romantic! In any case, there are many events that happend in my life during a rainy day....I remember hanging out with my then special someone on a sidewalk in Lopez, eating a Jollibee meal, while rain is pouring....celebrated several of my birthdays on a rainy day... endless phone conversations that is made even more fun because of the fact that its raining... I remember having my first kiss after a long rainshower, (and hopefully I am going to get my next kiss again in the same situation!hehehe! :) )

The atmosphere at work is not really that upbeat this past week. To tell you the truth, I really feel a bit lonely right now. People at work seems to have formed their own groups, including my own office friends. I really feel that everything has turned superficial....To think I was doing a double take in submitting an application for a job abroad because of the things I would miss the most at PS. Being an ATL does not work at all either. Hearing people planning to resign does not help too. Alex and I were talking about something on the way home today. I told him that I really feel left out at work. I feel kinda a bit isolated. Nevertheless, there are still some people who I can pester....there's Techy, who I can easily talk to...and Kaka too, who actually knows more about how I feel than me. Of course,even if I don't say it aloud, I really do appreciate the way Alex waits until my shift ends... although, he sometimes is crabby and moody..esp when I just want to share some of my crappy stories about what's happening at the 30th floor. Lola Carms of course, still has her up and down moods.... I really hope that this is just something in my mind...but I really just want to say it aloud..rather to write it down...I just feel lonely, isolated and left out..... BUT, I am cheering myself up... :)

Maybes and Lamentations about You....

Got to contemplate on the beach...hanging my legs out on the port ala Dawson's Creek style. I found myself waiting...waiting for something or someone I know will never happen or come... I tried my very best to remember if if I had blurted something (aloud) that I should've not spoken out....Nothing...my mind was mostly blank....I found myself wanting to cry....cry because I am at this situation again where I really could not decide how to feel or act when it comes to the matters of the heart...I was just sitting there with the summer sun on my back, thinking how long can I fight this feeling....asking God in a silent prayer why am I feeling this way over a person who doesn't even give a scat on how I feel. As I am writing this entry, I soon discovered that I have a lot of things that I want to tell you, yes, you! How you make me smile with your corny lines, how you can impress me with your intelligence, made me mad because of your argumentative approach, amused me with your feeble attempt to be nice, a lot more that I've been keeping in the deepest crevices of my heart that I longed to say but the fear of rejection, heartbreak and pride keeps me from doing so. Maybe I'll get to say it someday...Maybe not...But now I just allowed myself the painful indulgence of writing out a part of what you are making me feel everyday... but still I am a coward that's why I'm still going to hold back...hold back as long as I can....
*************
Right now, things between us has suddely turned bleak....it seems that everything just disappeared in an instant. You used to share a piece of yourself before, maybe an opinion, or a passing thought, something that you found interesting...but now, I could feel a wall ....few words are now being exchanged between us, most of the time we tend to ignore each other...not that I do like that, but everytime I try to talk to you, you seem to respond with one liners that clearly states that I would not expect a decent conversation with you. As I am typing this, I feel a rush of great sadness and hurt that I really want to go to the bathroom and cry my heart out. What happend? What happend to all the closeness that we had? Or maybe I thought we had. maybe it's all just my imagination that you might consider me at least a bit special compared to everyone else we know.... or that you might consider me at least as a close friend... The funny thing is that I was hoping to make our last week fun and full of laughter and talks but it's so uncanny that this is turning out one of the worst weeks that we had together. This might be a sign that we really are not meant to be.....

Sigh!

Just Rambling

It's another day at work for me. Even it's Holy Week, we have work.Yippee, double pay, more money! So far, no calls because of the fact that I am just taking calls for State Farm. Of course, it's great because I have no calls. The most calls I get in day is maybe 20 and those are just CS calls that were transferred to me. All around me, people are busy taking calls and that leaves me just writing this entry. We have a new seating plan and my new work station is not the best place to access the net. I kind of miss my old workstation way at the back of the floor where I can surf the net to pass the time. Doing nothing is great, sure. But I do notice that there are consequences for this privilege that I am now enjoying. For one thing, I am about to be slapped a verbal for my QA scores. It's not really that I totally forgot how to take calls, I still get a 100 grade for my sessions, but unfortunately, I am already failing some of my QA sessions. It's just one session,yes, but oh boy, if I fail, I do FAIL.


Like my last week's session, I got an all time grade of..... ta-dah, 65! I felt I've gone numb when I saw my score. What the hell! That's one price I have to pay for having few calls. More chances for your QA analyst to get those calls that you made blunders with. I just learned that I am about to be on a verbal warning stage just this Monday. I could not care less anymore, but inside, I was already on a bad mood. Verbal...for QA...I have been on this account for what, more than a year, almost two....and I am the one who'll be slapped with a verbal for QA? For failing just what? 3 sessions of QA? That's a bit subjective. I really don't know whether I would laugh or cry. Try cry? I felt that I must be a retard taking those calls. Whatever! I really don't care anymore. Failing QA and a future verbal warning is one thing, the comments that you hear from your colleagues can be another. Sure, its ok for the first time that I am hearing those jokes of "Wow, sarap ng buhay ni MCR, walang calls!", or "Double pay walang ginagawa." I even laugh and joke along with them. Drats, just a moment ago, I was flagged by my sup again. It's 11:30 and I still haven't taken my first break. Duh...sorry, did not notice the time as I am pre-occupied with my thoughts. With my rambling thoughts. Anyway, I am getting a bit annoyed with the comments lately. Maybe, I am just in a bad mood today. I think I want to be isolated for now.


Thoughts of resigning are fleeting in my mind again. I really feel that I am going nowwhere at this job. The other day I saw a schoolmates's picture at Friendster. She is actually a part of the cabin crew at Saudia Airlines. I was really envious because she posted the pictures showing her at some of the places I longed to see, like Egypt and London. If she's been there, then Paris and Rome are not far away. Sigh! I really just want to pursue my dream of travelling. I see travelling right now as a form of escape for me. You're constantly moving and at the same time discovering and learning. I really want to while I am still at my prime. Sigh! That would be THE DREAM!


Feeling weird and irritated. Would someone find the time to listen? Made the first step in restoring my faith. Surrendered my angst, my expectations, my fears, my hurts and my anxieties to the LOrd. This is my reflection for the Holy Week.